Blacker than the night

The other night I was out with friends, having some beers and just having a good time. All in all I had
- five 0.5l beers
- one shot whiskey (I think)
- two glasses of sangria
After a while we noticed the neighbour's hookah, and of course I had to ask if I could try it.


What happened next is gone. We had been drinking slowly and everything was good, but now when I think back, I do not remember what happened. It's all black. I have been told that I yelled at my best friend for no reason, cried, then we went to town, I fell a lot, ran away from the others and was brought home by a friend. Unfortunately the night did not end there. I cannot believe how all this can be entirely vanished from my memory. I have experienced blackouts before, but not like this. This is frightening, and usually I recall some moments in between, but not this time.


I am not quite sure if it is just me, that I have no control of my drinking(which I really thought I had considering only drinking a few beers), or if it might have happened that I was being drugged. I must have been. I really do not understand how this could happen. It could have been in the hookah, or it could have been one of my friends, I do not know and it freaks me out.


I have been drinking way worse stuff than this time, and been able to remember certain parts of the night. But this evening is just all black, and to me, it may have never happened.

Vanilla

I have realised that I am actually terrified of getting close to boys, and too afraid to give of myself. I cannot imagine why this is, but that is how it is. However, I will try to change that.


It might be that no man has the key to my heart, it is me myself who has it. 

The friend zone

I used to have a great friend. He was someone I loved to be with. We met at a small music festival, both of us were working as volunteers, and became really good friends. I loved the time he lived here, and we became really close during his time as Russ. He was the kind of guy who would do anything for me, anything. I was so sad when he moved to Oslo for a year, but we planned visits and I promised I would come check out his life in Oslo. Unfortunately it never happened.

The last couple of months he became closer and started holding me and hugging me in a different way. I knew then that he wanted us to be more than just friends. Last time he was home, we were out clubbing and I became friends with one of his friends. We danced and held hands, which was too much for my friend. He almost went home without saying good bye. I felt so bad. 


The next time we were out he told me how he felt, and that he knew I did not feel the same way about him. He then said it would be better if we did not talk for a while. It broke my heart a little, I really did not want to loose him. We have not talked since, I want to give him the time he needs, and hope he will talk to me someday. 


I kind of regret dancing with his friend, it would be nice to postpone his honest moment a bit. On the other hand, it would be extremely selfish of me to keep going. He deserves the best. I really miss him. 
And his friend, I have hung out with him a little, but he is not worth it at all. Not that I think stop hanging out with him will get my friend back, because it will not, but at least he will not have to hear about me being with his friend.

Shhh...

Sometimes I think about who I will end up with. That makes me wonder who that person is and why we ended up together. I am very quiet and do not always converse too well, because I do not know what to talk about without making it weird. I feel like I am a bit boring to be with, communication is very important in a relationship. 

Actually, I just do not think I fit together with anyone. I mean, if someone was in a relationship with me, we would spend a lot of time in silence I think. Unless the other person is very talkative, but then again, why would a very talkative person want to be with someone as quiet as me?

Great song by Gotye

The weak moment

And it took so long just to feel alright

remember how to put back the light in my eyes

I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed

cause you broke all your promises

and now you're back

you don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are

running 'round leaving scars

collecting your jar of hearts

and tearing love apart

you're gonna catch  a cold

from the ice inside your soul

so don't come back for me

don't come back at all

- Jar of hearts by Christina Perri

Please disappear

I hate to see you, meet you and talk to you. I wish I did not have to see you everywhere, and be reminded every time. Just go away, please let me forget. 

Let it fall, my heart

and as it fell, you rose to claim it

it was dark and I was over

until you kissed my lips and you saved me

My hands, they're strong

but my knees were far too weak

to stand in your arms

without falling to your feet

But there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew

all the things you'd say they were never true, never true

and the games you play, you would always win, always win

But I set fire to the rain

watched it pour as I touched your face

let it burn while I cry

'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

- Set fire to the rain by Adele

Happy I met you, darling

I have met a person whom I am feeling kind of addicted to, or at least addicted to see. Someone I always want to be with. I feel like I have to talk to this person every day. Although I am getting addicted to this person, I suspect the person is a bit cunning, and has everybody wrapped around the finger. Well as much as it sucks, I will play the game, and pretend to be costly, or just stubborn. I will not be one of the other people to be taken advantage of, or just too nice to say no. That is what I think will make us special.

Apparently I cannot count on you...

The vulnerable me is back, kind of a relief. However, the hurting part I am not so fond of. The point is that there is one person I cannot let go, and to that person I mean nothing. I think I give up now, it is probably better to forget what we had. 

Alone in a crowd

This night's a perfect shade of
dark blue, dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room

when I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning down


Dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room
well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning
now there's nothing but dark blue

- By Jack's Mannequin

And a new one just begun

The year 2011 was ended with turkey at my friend Roy's place, before we went to Eirik to meet the crew. After a while we went to town to watch the fireworks, but unfortunately it started raining. When the new year started, we went back to Roy. It was a great night! I really enjoy staying at his place, I feel very comfortable over there. The next day we just hung out in the living room, eating all this crappy food. Also, the new year started out with new friends, new opportunities and new hopes. 

My New Years resolutions have not really been thought through, therefore I will update this post along the way. This is what I got to start with:

- Go to the gym at least twice a week

- Make an effort with my friends, try harder

- Move out

- Find a guy worth falling for

- Improve my grades and care more about school

- Be on time, try not to be late

Merry Christmas

Christmas Eve was wonderful with a delicious meal and a lot of presents. The day started out with three hazelnuts for Cinderella, I watch it every year, and it is what gives me Christmas spirit. 




We had porridge, reindeer steak, flan, fruit and nuts, and at last we had cake and Christmas cookies. I was so full I had to lay down. I am so thankful for being so privileged, it is important to remind yourself to be thankful. 

Champagne glasses

I also got some great presents; from my sister and her husband, grandma and grandpa and my auntie and uncle, I got beer glasses and champagne glasses from Ritzenhoff. 

Beer glasses

Now I have ten beer glasses and five champagne glasses. Also I got some make-up, gift cards and money. I do not really care that much about the presents though. The most fun part is giving away great presents, but this year I did not do that as good either. I am more fond of personal gifts with meaning, instead of just something materialistic. 

You can count on me now

My dear. I am afraid I have been too tough on my friend, and I have not been there when she needed me. I understand now that it may not be only me who has been hurting the last couple of months. We slipped away from each other, but now I see that it has gone too far. I miss my friend, and maybe she misses me too?

She has changed since we stopped hanging out. She cries now, everything insignificant makes her cry. One year ago, she was the toughest person I knew, she seemed invincible. She hated clichés, pop music and cheesy love songs. Now she is the complete opposite.


Even though she has many other good friends, and I can see she really loves them, I have decided to do my best to be a better friend. I do not know if she opens up to the others, which may be the reason she is more vulnerable now. But maybe if I am a better friend to her, she will open up to me, and she will feel better? I really miss the way we used to be. Although she may took our friendship for granted, and figured we would never drift apart, she was right to think that I would come running back. I mean, someone has to try, because as much as I had hoped, she has not tried too much. Anyway, I have always been the soft one in our friendship. At least I thought so.

Breathe now

The incident I was talking about in the last post, made me think that I might had ruined a friendship. Fortunately, everything seems to be fine. I am so relieved, and I might have exaggerated a bit. Everything seemed to solve itself, for now. I hope everything will remain fine between us. I would hate to loose such a great friend.

:)

Coconuts

It has been a while since I have written, but now I feel like I have something to write. This weekend was awful. 

Some things happened which I am not at all proud of, and that I cannot talk to many people about. I just crossed a line, both mine and my friends'. When I realised what I had done, there was no way I could stop thinking about it. That was all that went through my mind for two days. I could not think about anything else, I could not eat and I could not concentrate at school. It was horrible, and it all made me want to cry so badly. However, not a single tear was shed. I felt so crushed and nervous and disappointed, but the tears stayed back. Even now I feel like shedding a tear, but I cannot! 


"There is an ancient tribal proverb I once heard in India. It says that before we can see properly, we must first shed our tears to clear the way."
                                                                                                                - Libba Bray
Anything personal will not make me cry, because I have turned into a coconut or something. Hard as a rock on the outside, but as soon as you crack me, the tears will start pouring. I am just wondering what will be so heartbreaking that it will make me cry, because so far it has only been used sticks in attempt to crack me. 


On the other hand, I now only cry happy tears. Very often I feel like I experience so overwhelming and wonderful things that makes me want to cry, and sometimes I do. This is very new to me, I never used to cry happy tears before.


"Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning to do afterwards."
                                                                                                                        - Kurt Vonnegut
Although it might sound good, I am not sure it is. I know I lock up what bothers me, and keep it in, and there is no way for it to let out. The happy tears are just side effects of that. Confused feelings escaping.  

Tunnels

Yesterday I told a rather depressed friend of mine to start setting goals in life, and really make an effort to achieve them. And I started wondering which goals I should put for myself? Of course finishing school is one of them, but what else? I guess studying abroad has always been a goal of mine. Other than that, I would like to do something meaningful, for example getting a sponsor child, but I think I have to turn eighteen first. 


The next destination is France which I am going to with my French class, in March. And next summer, my friends and I are going to Croatia or maybe Portugal. That will be quite interesting because we are a quite large group of friends going together, which might lead to some drama. 

Also I have to learn how to surf

Home alone!

Being home alone gets quite boring after a while. I have been home alone for a week now, and I think it is too lonely and quiet. I have had friends over, but in the evening, I feel very lonely. I would like some company! It makes me think of when I will get an apartment, no way that I am getting one by myself, I am definitely having a room-mate. Just think about having to make a decent dinner every day for one person, that would be such a waste. I would end up with noodles and pizza! 

Please, let's chill

Cake!

Brownies

Carrot cake

My favourite cakes are carrot cake, oreo cake and the brownies at Godt Brød's bakery with triple chocolate and walnuts. Just sayin.

Oreo cake

Raw

 " 'Cause I don't belong to anyone, and nobody belongs to me "
                                                                                           - Perfectly lonely by John Mayer


I do not know what I can do to change that, because I would like it to change. I would like to love someone, and to be loved back. I feel like I am just only me. Always. I feel like I am alone, I have good friends, but I do not have a best friend who thinks of me as the best friend as well. That is gone now. I miss feeling special and like the only one you desire to be with. emostupidshitass. 

Ego

Som ringane i vatnet blir du større
Som en tumor i ditt hjerta blir du verre
Store spørsmål som kem har du vært, kem ska du bli
Eg gir deg ingenting aent enn mi tid
Ka skal du sei når du står framfor vårherre?
Nå er det din tur dessverre

- Tumor i ditt hjerta by Kaizers Orchestra

See the world

Notting Hill

British breakfast

Big Ben

My London visit was a total success, the weather was good, my friends were nice and the things to do were countless. 
However, I think we got to do almost all the stuff we planned, 
but there were so much more to do!

Buckingham Palace

Our hostel

Paddington train station

YoSushi!

The Kooks concert was the highlight of the trip, they exceeded our expectations. I was standing on the front row by the fence, making eye-contact with Luke, I know he sang to me all the time. The sad part is that it is all over now, so quickly. We have been so excited for this event for such a long time, and suddenly it is over. Just like that. I think I have to make new plans to keep me motivated. Or else the days will be too boring. 

Eye contact

The Kooks

Luke on piano

London tomorrow

Tomorrow. London. Five days. Concert. Or well the last one I am not so sure about any more. Sadly we were told the vocalist in The Kooks is sick, which means the gig might be cancelled. Not the luckiest kid in the world, no. Anyhow, the trip will be great, gig or not. We are free.

The second chance is the last chance

Before it's gone

Taj Mahal, India

I have got a new life mission, I have to visit the Taj Mahal within two-five years, because I read that it will collapse! I cannot live without seeing the Taj Mahal before it crashes. Also I have to go to California within maybe seven years, because I heard it will be crushed by an earthquake or something. The Maldives are also on my list, beautiful and peaceful. 

Surfing in California

The Maldives

Relief

I noticed the moon was in the sky today, almost a full moon. It makes me feel calm when it is there, I do not know why the moon makes such an impression on me, I love it.

STFU

It sucks and it is awkward, people are actually reading this shit, which limits the honesty in my posts. I would love to write about what ever was on my mind, like I used to, but now I feel like I cannot utter my inner-closest feelings. However, in a way I still do, I guess the last post was a bit over. Well, appreciate the honesty you get. 

I love going entirely, completely, absolutely commando

Few things feel as good as sleeping naked. The pure, natural comfort, and the sheets will warm up faster. The only thing that is concerning is if something would happen, which would lead to a frantic hurry toward the dresser. The same goes for walking naked around the house, but it just gives you a certain pleasure. You learn to be comfortable with your body, which is important. 

                                          "The naked truth is
                                        always better than the
                                           best-dressed lie."

Why do I even care?

                                         "People want you to be happy.

                                      Don't keep serving them your pain!

                                         If you could untie your wings

                                        and free your soul of jealousy,

                                         you and everyone around you

                                            would fly up like doves."

                                                                                       -Rumi

Why was I full of expectations, and why did I get disappointed? It should not have meant anything to me, I do not know why it does. If I was a friend of mine, I would just say forget about it and do not think about it. I just cannot control it, I do think about it. And what difference would it make if he did want me?

Get over it.

Snow on the roof

Is it wrong to be kissing random people at parties? Say it is just kissing or making out, and it does not go any further, is it a bad idea? I think to me it does not really matter because I am young, and I do not want to set any strict limits to myself. I know when it is going too far, but making out? I ask this because I have friends and, well other people that think it is wrong, so is it really? I guess I have already given my opinion, but is it slutty to make out with different people at different parties, or is it just the youth having fun? All I think I have left to say is that if you want to do it and think it is fun, then do it. Snow on the roof.



I mean, what are the advantages of being single, well you can do the stuff you cannot do when you are in a relationship. That is why many people enjoy being single. 


I guess I will just do what suits me, and live my life. The others can live their careful, boring lives.

And by the way, this blog sucks

I want someone I think is special to make me feel special

Why is it that it always has to be the wrong guys that like me? Why is it that I cannot like them back, and have to turn them down. Suddenly everything is awkward and different. Fucked up. I hope next time the feelings will be mutual, preferably both will find each other special.