A letter for you

It may seem like this appears out of blue skies, but it has been weighting on my heart for a while. I have not been able to tell you, until almost now. 

I was seventeen. It was most likely the first party I attended and it was at my co-workers house and his room mate's, you. It was actually the first time I spent time with my co-worker after work, who was gay, and we had a really good time. You and your friends were celebrating that you had just finished an exam in petroleum. 

After a while of pre drinks, you and your friends who were all 23 years old, went downtown to the nightclubs. Me and my friend stayed behind because we were too young to go out. We finished the party by drinking all of your left overs. By the end of the night we got really drunk and we went to bed in my co-workers room. After a while of talking in bed, he tried to kiss me and I felt really uncomfortable, and I decided to sleep on the couch in the living room instead. During the night you came home from the city. Alone. Fortunately you came home to a girl sleeping on your couch... I have no recollection of you coming home at all. All I remember is waking up in your bed the next morning. I did not know you and had barely talked to you. And suddenly I woke up in your bed, naked. On the floor I found a condom covered in blood. I rushed to the bathroom and had a really long shower. I felt so dirty I kept scrubbing and scrubbing to feel clean. 

I do not remember anything else from that day, other than going into my friend's room and saying I was sorry. I probably went home as quickly as possible after that. The next days was a nightmare. My stomach hurt and I was really anxious. I felt so guilty for sleeping with my friend's room mate, which I knew my friend really liked, in a romantic way, and I could not understand how it had happened. I remember having my exams, but all I could manage to do was to stare into empty air, thinking of what I had done. 

It took me five years to realise that it was not me who had done something wrong. Suddenly, while laying alone in bed one night, the truth washed upon me and I swear my body turned cold. My thoughts went dark and I finally understood that what had happened was really not ok, and it was not my fault. A whole week went by with a kind of heavy, sad darkness over me. I was confused to how I could think it was all my fault. You were six years older than me, you came home from town with no luck, empty-handed, and found me there on the couch. Easy target. And we never spoke again. It was my first time, and my first time was a sexual assault. I had no way to consent as I was asleep on the couch. What happened on the way from the couch to your bedroom, I do not remember. Perhaps I had a black out. Nonetheless, I was too drunk to be able to consent to anything at all, half asleep. And the shock, disbelief and bad feeling i woke up with the next day confirms that this was not something I wanted. 

It has taken me almost a decade to get this "down on paper". And for years I have struggled with the fact that this happened. It has caused a lot of stress and vulnerability, and I ended up losing completely control of my body and my rights, in an attempt to regain control of my body. 

Now, after all these years, I have moved on and settled with the thought of this not being a big deal. It still makes me sad to think about what happened and how it has affected my adult life, but I have to move on. I am too aware that nothing can be done, and all I can hope for is that this will not happen to someone else. It is depressing that it will, because too many young men do not understand where the limit is. I just wanted you to know.

A lack of aknowledgment

I want to tell you that I miss you, but I am afraid to tell you because inside I am convinced that you are already done with me.



"so instead I gained a mistrust of myself, and an abiding fear of everyone" - Franz Kafka, Letter to his father

It is heartbreaking to be failing in something so fundamental as love

The talk

How is it possible that it actually takes this long to get over someone. After all this time I still think about him, and I definitely think that we should have talked about why it ended. Unfortunately, I feel that it has been too long now to bring it up, and also he has a girlfriend now. The next best option is to let it all out here. Just to have it said, and also to always remind myself of why it would not have worked between us as it was. 

Basically there were three reasons to why it all ended in my eyes. The first reason is that he did not really open up to me, and never really cuddled with me. I missed that caring, loving touch. I would give him head massages and stroke my fingers on his back and arms, but he would not do it in return. That to me is not okay, if someone expects me to care about them, they better show that they care about me as well. 

The second reason was that, well, the sex was not really that good. I guess mostly because I was not feeling secure and confident around him. What could have been fun and spontaneous, was instead based on my fear of losing him, and he not really liking me the way I liked him. 

The third reason was that I felt like he was ashamed of me, or at least too embarrassed to tell people that we were seeing each other. We actually had to keep it a secret from our group of friends, which he explained was because he did not want to hurt his best friend who also liked me. One time he actually drove all the way home to write on his own computer in an online game, to tell his friend he was not available to play at that moment, and then he came all the way back to my house. That really made me feel like shit, but I still told him that he could come back even though I was pissed, because I thought that if I told him not to come, we would be done. 

I do think a lot about him, and wish that he would come back to me. However, I do know that if we did end up having the conversation, I would not take him back that very second. I would let him know that he did simply not have what I am looking for in a boyfriend. I would also let him know that the way he made me feel, was not right and I know I deserve better. I am not someone anyone should be hiding, or seeing in secret. I am someone who deserves to be shown off to his friends with pride. I deserve someone who makes me feel special, loved and good enough.

Mauerbauertraurigkeit

Mauerbauertraurigkeit - Me described in one word. 

n. the inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends who you really like - as if all your social tastebuds suddenly went numb, leaving you unable to distinguish cheap politeness from the taste of genuine affection, unable to recognise its rich and ambiguous flavours, its long and delicate maturation, or the simple fact that each tasting is double - blind.

I am not unhappy, I am just a little heartbroken sometimes

Desperation

I feel like I need someone to talk to, and this is my go-to place. I do not know how to sort all my thoughts at this time, but I will do my best. Last year I fell for a guy that was a friend of mine that I had had a crush on for a really long time. We were going out for two months, but he did not want to tell his friends about us and when things got hard everything just ended suddenly. That last part is on me. I always back away as soon as things get difficult, and I hate myself for it. 

I have not talked much to this guy after, but we ended up going on a trip to Crete with our friends together, and sharing rooms. Just before the trip I learned that this guy had told one of the other guys that he had feelings for the other guy's sister. Honestly it was a relief just as much as it was a disappointment for me to learn this before the trip because I did not know what to expect to happen on beforehand, but now I knew we would act just as friends, even though that might be hard sometimes. The week went by and luckily, or unluckily, we went by without having to bring up our past to ruin it all. The problem is that I still have feelings for him, and when I got home and was finally by myself, I burst into tears. Apparently that week had been tougher on me that I had thought. 

A couple nights after my return home, I was turning in bed trying to think of everything but him as I had done the last couple of days. Every time, my thoughts returned to him. I decided to delete our conversation on facebook, but after reading it first I realised there might be a reason why I am the way I am towards people. It got me thinking about elementary school. Every day I biked to school. And the thing is, almost every day I thought about biking into the road without looking for cars, and maybe get hit by one. I had this yearning to get hurt, so that I could see who would even care. I had never thought about this before, that I had had actual suicide thoughts when I was little, and it was all because I wanted attention. That was something I thought about at that time though, that I was just looking for attention and would do anything for it, but the truth is, I almost would. I never had the relationship with my parents where they would tell me they loved me, and if I told them, it would be really awkward for a while. This all made me think that I must be really desperate to feel love, and I think I still feel as desperate. And because of this, I find it very hard to trust people that they actually love me. In the end I push them away because I do not believe they really do feel the same way as I do. 

Sometimes I worry this is the beginning of the illness that my mom has with her thoughts, and that I might have it too. I just do not trust people, and I do not think that they will love me back. So I push them away. 

Be kinder

I write about crawling back into my shell and fighting my instincts, but the truth is, what I am really trying to fight is my biggest fear; to not be loved by the ones I love the most. I am always holding back and afraid to be the one that loves the most, while in fact it is just another way of saying that I am scared people will not like me for who I am.

When I was younger, I always felt that my actions and what I was saying were the right things to do and say. The last couple of years, I have realised that not everything that I think and feel, is right. I started questioning myself, my thoughts, my actions. I am not as perfect in my mind anymore. I do not know if my personality has changed a lot since I was fifteen, or maybe I have always been like this, just too confident in my opinions.

Five years ago I was positive that my friends were going to be forever, but so much has changed. A couple months ago I learned that my closest friend had been mad at me for probably years, and that she had been thinking negatively of me for a really long time. To learn that even my best friend had such a problem with me, makes me really question myself, and it hurts. I also went travelling with two other friends who are more distant friends, and they could not even survive more that a month and a half with me, and I had to continue my trip alone. This has had a huge impact on my self confidence, am I really that bad?

All this was going on in my mind last night, when I was trying to sleep. And as I was twisting and turning in bed, I made up my mind that I should try harder to be more humble and considerate. Be kinder.

The grey zone

I was actually lucky enough to meet someone that I wanted to open myself up a little bit to. Over the last month and a half, I have been completely engulfed in this boy. I was even afraid to tell my friends about him too early, in fear of jinxing it.

We have been talking a lot, daily actually, and I have been seeing him several times a week too. Whenever I get the chance, I invite him over to my place. We cannot stay at his, because he does not want his parents to know me (yet?). This puts me in the uncomfortable position where I have to invite him whenever we are going to meet up. The problem is, that he has me in a place completely new to me. I am used to being in control, not to like anyone and not to feel weak and vulnerable.

I guess I asked him to come over a little too much, and I probably seemed needy and clingy. These sides of me are so completely strange and new to me, I honestly do not understand what is going on. And I hate it. Eventually the texts have been fewer, and I have not seen him for several days. This could all be my imagination and vulnerability speaking, but this new me is nervous and sad to think that all this might be ending.

It hurts to know that we are both sitting alone at home, and that he does not bother to come over unless I ask him to come. I am the one who feels too much, and where did all this come from?! I guess I will just wait and see what happens, but I am afraid I will turn to old habits and reject him as soon as I feel a little bit rejected myself. I know the old me, I know what I would usually do, and I have been fighting my old instincts for so long, trying to give love a chance whenever I get a shot at it. I am crossing my fingers, wishing for this guy to please hold on to me and not get tired of me right a way. Please, love me at least for a just a little while.

So many ways to go

About courage

My New Year's Eve love

Every New Years Eve the last four years, has been celebrated with a certain friend of mine. I did not realise until last summer, how important it was to me that he was present. We have tried to be more than just friends before, but it never felt right. I guess the main reason was me. I always thought it was him who was not ready, now I understand it was me all along. 

I was the one to end it all last May, which I got to regret a few couple of months later. I suddenly realised that I should have given him a second (or third or forth) chance, or more accurate, give myself another chance to have him. Nonetheless, I never got the courage to tell him what I had been thinking. A few weeks later he got a girlfriend. I know, my loss, my fault, but it did sting when I heard it. I pushed him away and I never gave it a real chance, because I expected too much of him and did too little myself. Fortunately I got to celebrate New Year's with him this year as well, and I was really happy about it. I spent most of the night talking to him, which was great. 

I recently watched the movie "The art of getting by" starring Freddie Highmore as George and Emma Roberts as Sally. In the end of the movie George tells Sally that he has been in love with her all along. She is about to go on a trip with her current boyfriend and replies:

You know we're gonna be together one day. [...] It's a long life. We're not done.

They started out as really good friends, who were always attracted to each other. They end up together in the end...

There's always hope

Teach me to love again

As lame as it is, I found a Drake-quote, or perhaps it is someone else who has said these words. I only know that I could relate to this quote, and that it in a way explains me and who I have become. I am not bitter or angry anymore. I just wish to meet a guy sooner than later, who can reassure me that I do not have to be afraid of loving him. 

"She may come across as hard to get, but that's because she's been through a few things, seen a few things, been there and done that. She's cold... Yes, but only because she once cared about someone who failed to care about her. She's built a fortress to protect her heart from further damage. You told her that you're different but she won't believe it until you prove it. Words don't mean a thing, actions are everything."

Desperate

Nobody sees, nobody knows

We are a secret, can't be exposed

That's how it is, that's how it goes

Far from the others

...

                                                                                            Uncover by zara larsson


I made my first move and it was a mistake. I find myself so incredibly desperate to feel joy. Right now I only exist without really living. I smile when I am with friends, but I am not happy with my life. I feel like a failure because of school, my friends are slipping away and I screw it up with everyone else. 

I wish I remembered what it felt like to be in love. My feelings have literally just shut down, and it feels so wrong because I imagined that this period in life would contain more young love and happiness. How did I get it wrong? What am I supposed to do to change it? 

Not good enough

Three years ago I met someone who changed my life, but not in a good way. I am so, so mad at him for fooling me, using me. It has had a huge impact on my life, I do not trust people anymore. He is the reason for my low self confidence when it comes to people, especially guys. 

He really swept me off my feet. He was so irresistibly charming, I could not avoid falling for him. Bad news are that he only used me to make his ex jealous, and I fell for it. I am mad at myself for letting myself be fooled like that, I should not have been so naive. The consequences are something I have to live with all these years later. I am scarred and I hate that he got to do that to me. 

I never let myself develop any feelings for any guys because I am afraid of getting hurt, but mostly, I never think I am good enough. I always compare myself to the former girlfriend or someone else who like him, and I always end up with the conclusion that I do not have what all those other girls have to offer. I am not good enough, not funny enough, not interesting enough. Why would anyone choose me? 

Just my luck

For the first time in what seems like forever, I have met someone that I really could have feelings for. Of course, for me it is not that easy. This wonderful guy, with this enthusiastic personality is the one person I cannot go after. You see, there is this group of friends I have startet to hang out with, and in this group, there is another guy who really likes me. Unfortunately I have to dramatise everything in this situation by liking his friend. Also, the thing about the guy I like is that he just broke up with his girlfriend who was also a part of the group, so of course, it would be a disaster if I told anyone there who I really like. 


Oh, it sounds so stupid and childish, but to me it is really unfair because I would love to finally grow feelings for someone. I am a realistic person and I guess by the time it is "accepted" for him to move on, he has probably found back to his girlfriend or found someone else. I hate hurting people, and I do not think I could bear telling the guy who likes me, that he is not the one my feelings are drawn to. 

Light's out

I wish there was an answer to why I always have to lose the friends that mean the most to me. This happens repeatedly and so it is not strange that I do not let people close to me. It is just very sad. Not entirely sure what to do. I feel so helpless, and sometimes quite alone. Eventually my closest friend will be my cat, probably. 

Nostalgia

I heard this song on the radio today, and it reminded me of a night six years ago when I was listening to it on my ipod. I just enjoy the memories. 

I chose this video because I thought it was better than the original one...

True friendship is forever

Last weekend I hung out with one of my oldest friends. We have not been seeing too much of each other the last couple of years, we sort of slipped apart. 

However, every time we are together it never seems like we were apart. The conversations are flowing and we always have something to talk about. Anyways, we hung out this weekend and I got to meet her boyfriend and the "gang" for the first time. I was so shocked and relieved that she has turned out that good, with great friends. I have been a little anxious about my old gang because two of them are really struggling, but the third one that I am talking about is truly happy I think. 

I was just so amazed by the relaxed, happy and light mood around them. I could not be happier for her, and I really look forward to be spending more time with her and her friends. Also I think it is nice for her as well to have me back in her life a little, we used to be so close. 

Insight

I had had a little too much to drink, it led to a major melt down. I cannot remember last time I cried like that. In a way it brought with it something positive like showing me who is really there for me when I need it the most. I appreciate it. Those feelings had been kept in for quite a while, it really was a relief to feel that empty. 

I am not sure of what I might have shared that night, it bothers me in a way, it is just all so confusing. The bottom point, however, is that I really do not feel safe. It feels like I am on my own, it does not have to be a bad thing. I am independent and live my life as I like. It may be time to grow up and act like an adult for now. 

Actually I changed my style into something more sophisticated and it feels good, we will just have to see how long it lasts. I do not want to be the old me anymore. 

Let's recall

What I love the most about this blog is to look back at my older posts. Also I love most of the images I have chosen to visualise feelings. To me, some of them are breathtaking, that may be because I am the only one who truly understand the reasons for choosing that exact picture. 

Trust

I just realised a couple days ago that I have big trust issues. To be honest I do not trust anyone, and actually I do not know why. There are no good reasons for me to be such a cynical person, but I always think there is a hidden agenda to everyone's actions. If people are being nice to me, I automatically wonder why. Very peculiar. 


"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
                                                                                     - Marilyn Monroe

Vanilla

I have realised that I am actually terrified of getting close to boys, and too afraid to give of myself. I cannot imagine why this is, but that is how it is. However, I will try to change that.


It might be that no man has the key to my heart, it is me myself who has it. 

The friend zone

I used to have a great friend. He was someone I loved to be with. We met at a small music festival, both of us were working as volunteers, and became really good friends. I loved the time he lived here, and we became really close during his time as Russ. He was the kind of guy who would do anything for me, anything. I was so sad when he moved to Oslo for a year, but we planned visits and I promised I would come check out his life in Oslo. Unfortunately it never happened.

The last couple of months he became closer and started holding me and hugging me in a different way. I knew then that he wanted us to be more than just friends. Last time he was home, we were out clubbing and I became friends with one of his friends. We danced and held hands, which was too much for my friend. He almost went home without saying good bye. I felt so bad. 


The next time we were out he told me how he felt, and that he knew I did not feel the same way about him. He then said it would be better if we did not talk for a while. It broke my heart a little, I really did not want to loose him. We have not talked since, I want to give him the time he needs, and hope he will talk to me someday. 


I kind of regret dancing with his friend, it would be nice to postpone his honest moment a bit. On the other hand, it would be extremely selfish of me to keep going. He deserves the best. I really miss him. 
And his friend, I have hung out with him a little, but he is not worth it at all. Not that I think stop hanging out with him will get my friend back, because it will not, but at least he will not have to hear about me being with his friend.

Shhh...

Sometimes I think about who I will end up with. That makes me wonder who that person is and why we ended up together. I am very quiet and do not always converse too well, because I do not know what to talk about without making it weird. I feel like I am a bit boring to be with, communication is very important in a relationship. 

Actually, I just do not think I fit together with anyone. I mean, if someone was in a relationship with me, we would spend a lot of time in silence I think. Unless the other person is very talkative, but then again, why would a very talkative person want to be with someone as quiet as me?

Great song by Gotye

The weak moment

And it took so long just to feel alright

remember how to put back the light in my eyes

I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed

cause you broke all your promises

and now you're back

you don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are

running 'round leaving scars

collecting your jar of hearts

and tearing love apart

you're gonna catch  a cold

from the ice inside your soul

so don't come back for me

don't come back at all

- Jar of hearts by Christina Perri

Please disappear

I hate to see you, meet you and talk to you. I wish I did not have to see you everywhere, and be reminded every time. Just go away, please let me forget. 

Let it fall, my heart

and as it fell, you rose to claim it

it was dark and I was over

until you kissed my lips and you saved me

My hands, they're strong

but my knees were far too weak

to stand in your arms

without falling to your feet

But there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew

all the things you'd say they were never true, never true

and the games you play, you would always win, always win

But I set fire to the rain

watched it pour as I touched your face

let it burn while I cry

'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

- Set fire to the rain by Adele

Happy I met you, darling

I have met a person whom I am feeling kind of addicted to, or at least addicted to see. Someone I always want to be with. I feel like I have to talk to this person every day. Although I am getting addicted to this person, I suspect the person is a bit cunning, and has everybody wrapped around the finger. Well as much as it sucks, I will play the game, and pretend to be costly, or just stubborn. I will not be one of the other people to be taken advantage of, or just too nice to say no. That is what I think will make us special.

Apparently I cannot count on you...

The vulnerable me is back, kind of a relief. However, the hurting part I am not so fond of. The point is that there is one person I cannot let go, and to that person I mean nothing. I think I give up now, it is probably better to forget what we had. 

Alone in a crowd

This night's a perfect shade of
dark blue, dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room

when I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning down

Dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room
well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning
now there's nothing but dark blue

- By Jack's Mannequin

And a new one just begun

The year 2011 was ended with turkey at my friend Roy's place, before we went to Eirik to meet the crew. After a while we went to town to watch the fireworks, but unfortunately it started raining. When the new year started, we went back to Roy. It was a great night! I really enjoy staying at his place, I feel very comfortable over there. The next day we just hung out in the living room, eating all this crappy food. Also, the new year started out with new friends, new opportunities and new hopes. 

My New Years resolutions have not really been thought through, therefore I will update this post along the way. This is what I got to start with:

- Go to the gym at least twice a week

- Make an effort with my friends, try harder

- Move out

- Find a guy worth falling for

- Improve my grades and care more about school

- Be on time, try not to be late

Merry Christmas

Christmas Eve was wonderful with a delicious meal and a lot of presents. The day started out with three hazelnuts for Cinderella, I watch it every year, and it is what gives me Christmas spirit. 


We had porridge, reindeer steak, flan, fruit and nuts, and at last we had cake and Christmas cookies. I was so full I had to lay down. I am so thankful for being so privileged, it is important to remind yourself to be thankful. 

I also got some great presents; from my sister and her husband, grandma and grandpa and my auntie and uncle, I got beer glasses and champagne glasses from Ritzenhoff. 

Beer glasses

Now I have ten beer glasses and five champagne glasses. Also I got some make-up, gift cards and money. I do not really care that much about the presents though. The most fun part is giving away great presents, but this year I did not do that as good either. I am more fond of personal gifts with meaning, instead of just something materialistic. 

You can count on me now

My dear. I am afraid I have been too tough on my friend, and I have not been there when she needed me. I understand now that it may not be only me who has been hurting the last couple of months. We slipped away from each other, but now I see that it has gone too far. I miss my friend, and maybe she misses me too?

She has changed since we stopped hanging out. She cries now, everything insignificant makes her cry. One year ago, she was the toughest person I knew, she seemed invincible. She hated clichés, pop music and cheesy love songs. Now she is the complete opposite.

She has many other good friends, and I can see she really loves them. I have decided to do my best to be a better friend, however. I do not know if she opens up to the others, which may be the reason she is more vulnerable now. But maybe if I am a better friend to her, she will open up to me, and she will feel better? I really miss the way we used to be. Although she may took our friendship for granted, and figured we would never drift apart, she was right to think that I would come running back. I mean, someone has to try, because as much as I had hoped, she has not tried too much. Anyway, I have always been the soft one in our friendship. At least I thought so.

Breathe now

The incident I was talking about in the last post, made me think that I might had ruined a friendship. Fortunately, everything seems to be fine. I am so relieved, and I might have exaggerated a bit. Everything seemed to solve itself, for now. I hope everything will remain fine between us. I would hate to loose such a great friend.

:)

Coconuts

It has been a while since I have written, but now I feel like I have something to write. This weekend was awful. 

Some things happened which I am not at all proud of, and that I cannot talk to many people about. I just crossed a line, both mine and my friends'. When I realised what I had done, there was no way I could stop thinking about it. That was all that went through my mind for two days. I could not think about anything else, I could not eat and I could not concentrate at school. It was horrible, and it all made me want to cry so badly. However, not a single tear was shed. I felt so crushed and nervous and disappointed, but the tears stayed back. Even now I feel like shedding a tear, but I cannot! 


"There is an ancient tribal proverb I once heard in India. It says that before we can see properly, we must first shed our tears to clear the way."
                                                                                                                - Libba Bray
Anything personal will not make me cry, because I have turned into a coconut or something. Hard as a rock on the outside, but as soon as you crack me, the tears will start pouring. I am just wondering what will be so heartbreaking that it will make me cry, because so far it has only been used sticks in attempt to crack me. 


On the other hand, I now only cry happy tears. Very often I feel like I experience so overwhelming and wonderful things that makes me want to cry, and sometimes I do. This is very new to me, I never used to cry happy tears before.


"Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning to do afterwards."
                                                                                                                        - Kurt Vonnegut
Although it might sound good, I am not sure it is. I know I lock up what bothers me, and keep it in, and there is no way for it to let out. The happy tears are just side effects of that. Confused feelings escaping.  

Tunnels

Yesterday I told a rather depressed friend of mine to start setting goals in life, and really make an effort to achieve them. And I started wondering which goals I should put for myself? Of course finishing school is one of them, but what else? I guess studying abroad has always been a goal of mine. Other than that, I would like to do something meaningful, for example getting a sponsor child, but I think I have to turn eighteen first. 


The next destination is France which I am going to with my French class, in March. And next summer, my friends and I are going to Croatia or maybe Portugal. That will be quite interesting because we are a quite large group of friends going together, which might lead to some drama. 

Also I have to learn how to surf

Home alone!

Being home alone gets quite boring after a while. I have been home alone for a week now, and I think it is too lonely and quiet. I have had friends over, but in the evening, I feel very lonely. I would like some company! It makes me think of when I will get an apartment, no way that I am getting one by myself, I am definitely having a room-mate. Just think about having to make a decent dinner every day for one person, that would be such a waste. I would end up with noodles and pizza! 

Please, let's chill

Cake!

My favourite cakes are carrot cake, oreo cake and the brownies at Godt Brød's bakery with triple chocolate and walnuts. Just sayin.

Raw

 " 'Cause I don't belong to anyone, and nobody belongs to me "
                                                                                           - Perfectly lonely by John Mayer

I do not know what I can do to change that, because I would like it to change. I would like to love someone, and to be loved back. I feel like I am just only me. Always. I feel like I am alone, I have good friends, but I do not have a best friend who thinks of me as the best friend as well. That is gone now. I miss feeling special and like the only one you desire to be with. emostupidshitass. 

Ego

Som ringane i vatnet blir du større
Som en tumor i ditt hjerta blir du verre
Store spørsmål som kem har du vært, kem ska du bli
Eg gir deg ingenting aent enn mi tid
Ka skal du sei når du står framfor vårherre?
Nå er det din tur dessverre

- Tumor i ditt hjerta by Kaizers Orchestra

See the world

My London visit was a total success, the weather was good, my friends were nice and the things to do were countless. I think we got to do almost all the stuff we planned, but there were so much more to do!

The Kooks concert was the highlight of the trip, they exceeded our expectations. I was standing on the front row by the fence, making eye-contact with Luke, I know he sang to me all the time. The sad part is that it is all over now, so quickly. We have been so excited for this event for such a long time, and suddenly it is over. Just like that. I think I have to make new plans to keep me motivated. Or else the days will be too boring. 

London tomorrow

Tomorrow. London. Five days. Concert. Or well the last one I am not so sure about any more. Sadly we were told the vocalist in The Kooks is sick, which means the gig might be cancelled. Not the luckiest kid in the world, no. Anyhow, the trip will be great, gig or not. We are free.

The second chance is the last chance

Before it's gone

Taj Mahal, India

I have got a new life mission, I have to visit the Taj Mahal within two-five years, because I read that it will collapse! I cannot live without seeing the Taj Mahal before it crashes. Also I have to go to California within maybe seven years, because I heard it will be crushed by an earthquake or something. The Maldives are also on my list, beautiful and peaceful. 

Surfing in California

The Maldives

Relief

I noticed the moon was in the sky today, almost a full moon. It makes me feel calm when it is there, I do not know why the moon makes such an impression on me, I love it.

STFU

It sucks and it is awkward, people are actually reading this shit, which limits the honesty in my posts. I would love to write about what ever was on my mind, like I used to, but now I feel like I cannot utter my inner-closest feelings. However, in a way I still do, I guess the last post was a bit over. Well, appreciate the honesty you get. 

I love going entirely, completely, absolutely commando

Few things feel as good as sleeping naked. The pure, natural comfort, and the sheets will warm up faster. The only thing that is concerning is if something would happen, which would lead to a frantic hurry toward the dresser. The same goes for walking naked around the house, but it just gives you a certain pleasure. You learn to be comfortable with your body, which is important. 

                                          "The naked truth is
                                        always better than the
                                           best-dressed lie."

Why do I even care?

                                         "People want you to be happy.

                                      Don't keep serving them your pain!

                                         If you could untie your wings

                                        and free your soul of jealousy,

                                         you and everyone around you

                                            would fly up like doves."

                                                                                       -Rumi

Why was I full of expectations, and why did I get disappointed? It should not have meant anything to me, I do not know why it does. If I was a friend of mine, I would just say forget about it and do not think about it. I just cannot control it, I do think about it. And what difference would it make if he did want me?

Get over it.

Snow on the roof

Is it wrong to be kissing random people at parties? Say it is just kissing or making out, and it does not go any further, is it a bad idea? I think to me it does not really matter because I am young, and I do not want to set any strict limits to myself. I know when it is going too far, but making out? I ask this because I have friends and, well other people that think it is wrong, so is it really? I guess I have already given my opinion, but is it slutty to make out with different people at different parties, or is it just the youth having fun? All I think I have left to say is that if you want to do it and think it is fun, then do it. Snow on the roof.



I mean, what are the advantages of being single, well you can do the stuff you cannot do when you are in a relationship. That is why many people enjoy being single. 


I guess I will just do what suits me, and live my life. The others can live their careful, boring lives.

And by the way, this blog sucks

I want someone I think is special to make me feel special

Why is it that it always has to be the wrong guys that like me? Why is it that I cannot like them back, and have to turn them down. Suddenly everything is awkward and different. Fucked up. I hope next time the feelings will be mutual, preferably both will find each other special.

I don't think you've ever needed anything

So I was told today that I do not need anything in that meaning that I do not need anyone. Is this the impression people have of me? That I think I am better off alone? This came from a friend who used to like me. When we hung out and I was struggling with something, I always told him I could do it. I did not need his help, but that is what people want to do for each other right? Help. I guess I make the impression that I think I can do everything myself, but the truth is that everybody need some help sometimes. And certainly everybody needs somebody. 

I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see

Painted faces fill the places I can't reach

You know that I could use somebody

You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you and all you know and how you speak

Countless lovers under cover of the street

You know that I could use somebody

You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you

                                                                             -Use somebody by Kings of Leon

I was also told that girls tend to over think stuff. 

It's not what you did wrong that matters, it's what you do to make up for it

Is it really that simple?  

Away or gone?

It is the end of summer which means back to school. This year something is different, people are leaving to study somewhere else. This makes me realize that I am actually growing up and the time for studying and moving away is approaching quickly. I was supposed to leave as well. It is strange, I keep wondering if I will ever see them again or is this it? I did not even get to say goodbye to some of them.

I love you

It is so difficult to tell somebody that you love them, or that you really care. Honesty can be so hard to utter. I hardly ever tell my parents that I love them, and when I do I feel like a weirdo because they are not used to such honesty. 


However, some people abuse the word love. 

"Those three words, are said too much, but not enough" 

I love you grandpa, feel better soon.